Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.