wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
This did not end as expected.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.