*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Oh hi lol
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this