Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.