My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this