Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You Might Also Like
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.