“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
oh you like architecture? name three walls
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
termite twitter scares me
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.