Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
You Might Also Like
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
This came to me in a dream.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.