Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying