WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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How to properly lift a body
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.