Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way