[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.