Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
This raises questions
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
A customer told me they were never coming back….
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.