Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
This hospital has everything
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.