Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?