Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*limbos away from your hug*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all