@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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@TheNardvark: One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
@thatfinguy: Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
@GinGander: Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map... Putin is fixing the issue by just calling it all "Russia".
@gingerfaced: What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.