WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
This forever.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.