@NuryVittachi: WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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@Donna_McCoy: You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@envydatropic: I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
@iLikeCatShirts: Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?