WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers