*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.