WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Attacked by a mop.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.