WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
For those that worship cheese..
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service