wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.