It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
boat question
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants