[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport