Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
never ask a starfish for directions
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
#MeanwhileInCanada
Denise please return my vape pen
ok this is my dumbest yet