wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
How I like cutting carbs
dream blunt rotation
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.