Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
it’s a van. how do they not know this
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?