Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can鈥檛 find a single bottle of ranch in here
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I鈥檓 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Reese鈥檚 Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn鈥檛鈥擨 don鈥檛 know anything about that
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is