wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
the three branches of government
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.