” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Dance like you’re not the father
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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