Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.