WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
no refunds
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!