Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.