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@GrantTanaka: wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working
@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
@Not_Uncle_Hoot: I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with the neighbors.
@arcadeseals: me: i'm terrified of random letters
therapist: you are?
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
@LoriLuvsShoes: How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
@my_minivan_life: Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.