wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
the icebreaker
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!