wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing