Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭