wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.