wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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