WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?