WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
i was baptized in a car wash
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.