Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Mood.. 😂
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.