wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way