*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Festive toon…
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures