*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY