WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.