Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]