Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.