wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Brands during Pride
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)