Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I put the h in mysterious.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place