Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
i’m sure it’s fine
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.